I'm really into asian looking animals
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize