Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
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