Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Randomize
