Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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