In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
