Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
