ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
so that wasnt chicken after all
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
