Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
