There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Rumble strips road head = magical
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
