did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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