Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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