im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
