He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
she told me i tasted like america
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
