I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Randomize
