do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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