just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
