We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I AM VODKA MAN
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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