dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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