I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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