apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
you win again, gameday.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
