Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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