so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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