watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
i think im in europe. pls send help
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
