We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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