my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
