Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
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