Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
my phone needs a breathalizer
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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