he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
