almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize