I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
