new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
