This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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