weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
two words: eviction party
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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