I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
