I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Randomize
