I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
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