There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
