I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
