I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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