I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
