Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
