Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize