Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
