Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
