I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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