I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
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