I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
