I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
