omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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