I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
