If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
It was confusing and full of hummus
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
