Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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