She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
