Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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