Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
