Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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